This is not a proper review. One day I will get round to writing a proper review of the Lord of the Rings films. In summary, my opinions are as follows: first film looks good and sounds good, some good casting and some poor, very annoyingly deviates from the book in unnecessary ways; second film deviates more; third film is utterly atrocious - I have tried hard but I cannot think of a single thing good to say about it.
Now for those who have seen The Two Towers, something for your amusement...
MY PLANS FOR AN IMPREGNABLE MOUNTAIN FORTRESS
1. I will not build a solid stone ramp right the way up to my main gate.
This would render pointless my going to all the trouble of building a
castle on the side of a mountain.
2. I will dig a ditch in front of the fortress, so that my enemies will
have a tough time advancing.
3. I will invest in this new "moat" technology, as I have great faith in
4. I will put crenellations on top of my battlements, so that my archers
have somewhere to hide while loading their bows.
5. I will put a bannister rail along the back of my battlements, so that I
do not suffer many needless casualties from men falling off the wall.
6. I will install a drawbridge. I am convinced that this will help.
7. I will make my sally-port more substantial than a simple wooden door,
and will locate it where it leads somewhere useful, rather than straight
onto an isolated ledge.
8. Should I sally out from my fortress, I will take care not to start a
charge while still inside a room in my keep, especially if I am on
horseback. This will avoid sudden embarrassing congestion in the doorway.
9. I will place the mouthpiece of my signalling horn at a height
convenient for a human blower, and not a dwarf.
10. Should my fortress be attacked, I will not defend it by putting my two
best men alone on the outside amongst the mass of the enemy.
11. When I order my archers to draw bows, I will not wait for ages before
giving the order to loose, because that would tire their arms out
12. When I do give the order to loose, I will shout "loose", perhaps
"release", or even "shoot". I will not shout "fire" as this will just
confuse the men who are not armed with firearms.
13. I will build a curtain wall, and I will place it somewhere where it
actually defends something useful, like the main keep. I will not place
it off to one side of the keep, where it defends nothing more than a
little muddy cul-de-sac. My enemies cannot be relied upon to waste their
men attacking a useless structure.
14. I will make my main gate very strong, because there is a chance that
my enemies might try hitting it with something like a battering ram. I
will do this long in advance of a siege, and not leave it to the last
15. Behind my main gate, I will place a port-cullis. This will make it
very hard for enemies to enter.
16. Behind my port cullis, I will build many arrow slits either side of
the path through the bastion, so that any enemies getting past the port
cullis will be shot at from both sides.
17. In the floor of the bastion tower, I will put many murder holes, so
that rocks and boiling water can be poured down onto anyone who gets past
the port cullis.
18. I will place a second port cullis, and perhaps a second gate at the
back of the bastion, so that any enemies who get through the first port
cullis will be trapped in the bastion, while falling prey to 16, and 17
19. I will pick a location for my fortress that cannot be cut off easily.
A poor location would be at the head of a very steep-sided narrow valley.
20. I will place my fortress where the enemy cannot climb up and rain
rocks down on top of it from the mountain above.
Lloyd 5th March 2003