A friend wrote to me, saying the following:

"Some friends who are releasing an album on CD want to come up with a witty alternative to the 'Parental Advice' sticky label that appears on some CDs containing rude words. Any suggestions?"

I wrote back with the following list. If ever any of these gets used, you read it here first.

"PARENTAL ADVICE: telling children not to listen to lyrics like these will increase the likelihood of their doing so."

"PARENTAL ADVICE: please tell your children, and other peoples' children, not to listen to this album. Free publicity like that is just what we need."

"PARENTAL ADVICE: saying 'Ichicoo! Oo hasn't he got a tubby tum-tum?' to children is no way to ensure that they grow up to talk properly."

"PARENTAL ADVICE: you may need to ask your children to explain to you some of the coarser lyrics of this album. Do not be embarrassed to ask."

"PARENTAL ADVICE: many of the lyrics on this album are now part of the National Curriculum, and will help your children pass their exams, honest."

"PARENTAL ADVICE: if you wish to embarrass your teenage children, insist on listening to this album with them, and then on discussing the meaning of the lyrics."

"PARENTAL ADVICE: repeated copulation is one of the most effective methods of increasing the likelihood of your becoming a parent."

"PARENTAL ADVICE: when arguing with your children about the lyrics on this album, bear in mind that if you hadn't engaged in the activities described by the lyrics, you would not be parents."

"PARENTAL ADVICE: to prevent your children from hearing strong lyrics, such as exist on this album, you will need a time machine, and some contraceptives."

"PARENTAL ADVICE: disapproval of the lyrics on this album is merely a sign of your age, and is nothing with which to bother either your doctor or your children."

"PARENTAL ADVICE: the chances of children's becoming intolerant and overbearing are increased by parents who suppress their access to lyrics as rude as these."

"PARENTAL ADVICE: think about it - would the Sex Pistols have been a success if parents had all approved of that sort of thing?"

"PARENTAL ADVICE: encourage your children to question your values, by taking a high-handed moral stance on the lyrics in this album."